Lost

I feel so incredibly lost right now. Not that I should have everything put together. Just got over a terrible flu. Constantly dealing with these devastating autoimmune issues. But its as if the further I go, the more complicated things get, the more lost I become, the more silent God gets, and the harder my heart gets. Before I would at least care. I would at least be sad when I would feel my heart get guarded. But not I feel nothing but a rigid tightness. A cool collected feeling. Even now as I lay in bed, not able to sleep, its not because my head is filled with pounding thoughts of Why? My head is filled with nothing. My heart is filled with betrayal yet familiar of the same story. I am numb, but I no longer search out my grief. Instead I actually bask in the ache, no longer questioning, just laying in the pain that I know instead of attempting to try to understand. Because trying to make heads or tails of my devastated heart only makes the pain worse, the cut deeper. I have no answers. He hasn't given them to me. What have I done? Couldn't there be some light at the end of this dark dank tunnel now? I am sick to death of looking at the shadows in my husband's eyes. He is lost. I am lost. Where are you? For if we cannot see Your light how can we see ourselves?